My Top 2 Tips on Foster Care and Adoption — Some of the Story & Advice

Eighteen children call me “Mom” so your confusion is understandable when I tell you that, from the age of 15, I didn’t think I could have children. Having a large family doesn’t make me a parenting expert, although I do have some top foster care and adoption advice, and tips.

My short story… After seven infertility surgeries and LOTS of medication, I did have a child. It was enough of an experience that I knew if things didn’t happen on their own, I would adopt. I did everything up to in-vitro fertilization which, at the time, I felt was not an option for me. I adopted several children and two that I was unable to adopt stayed with me so long they became adults in my home. I thought I would share my experiences and advice for foster care and adoption.

I grew up surrounded by dysfunction, so opening my home (and my heart) for foster care and adopting children within social services touched an empathetic chord for me. I was one of those children. For nine years I was licensed as a foster parent and for 3 more years, I did foster care without getting paid. I feel blessed my life was touched by the many children that came through my home. I was ultimately able to get pregnant without additional “help” a total of seven times proving medical science wrong. From the scared 15-year-old at my first OB/GYN appointment wondering what was going on inside me to a 50-year-old woman with the equivalent of a football team living in my home, I have grown considerably.

TIP ONE:

The paperwork is where a lot of people get hung up. It feels emotionally disconnected. My advice is to really dive into it, and know what you feel capable of handling. Set boundaries on what you can take. And then — let it go. You’ll take kids not only on those boundaries also on the feeling you have that they are a good fit. I said no more than I say yes, and I took kids that didn’t fit the boundaries I set.

I began my journey with foster care when my oldest daughter was 4. It seemed at the time emotionally draining to get through the paperwork and home study. It was time-consuming, the classes were eye-opening and heart-wrenching.

I was driven by my own childhood and the knowledge that I could make a difference in the life of a child like someone had to me. It was a combination of healing myself, paying it forward, grieving for the children I thought I wouldn’t be able to give birth to and making a small difference in the world. It was letting ALL of my children know they are worth it, they are loved, they are safe, they will be cherished and I am proud to be their Mommy. Things every child should know.

TIP TWO:

Working with a private agency (or a non-profit) can make the process — which sometimes feels daunting — easier. It puts the emphasis on the foster parent and their needs. It increases the success of these children that sometimes seem lost and often feel forgotten. They are the liaison between you and the children you bring in to love and treat as your own, the child’s biological family, and the myriad of services available. These are children that don’t necessarily know what a normal family looks like.

My journey with foster care (and parenting in general) is a roller coaster ride. I don’t intend to insinuate that bringing children into your home is rainbows and unicorns. If you asked me to describe my experience quickly I would say. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. It’s time and money-consuming. It’s selfless. It’s exhausting. I cry. I wonder if I did enough.

Above all? It’s gratifying. It has moments of absolute bliss. It’s the best time I’ve had. It feels fantastic to give of myself. I feel young. I laugh a lot. It’s worth it. Anything in life that’s been difficult for me — training for a marathon, giving birth, having a successful relationship, raising children — every time has been worth it. Whether it was the foster children that came and went, came and stayed, were adopted, or biological. It was worth it.

Time flies and that first little girl I was blessed to be pregnant with is now almost 30 years old. Of those 13 permanent children, 12 of them are now adults. That’s not a typo. We had 12 children in 11 years. The other 5 children that stayed long-term? 4 out of the five are adults now as well. The other one that’s not included in all these numbers? She’s 12 years old — an 8-year age gap from the others.

Staying consistent with all my unexpected happenings in life, she is a joy beyond measure. Just when I thought I was all done having kids, she came into our home immeasurably altering the dynamic in a way that makes me feel like the luckiest Mommy in the world every single day.

I don’t feel old enough or rather, that enough time has passed, to have adult kids (and 12 grandbabies) but here I am. My advice? If you’re even considering foster care as an option, do it. It’s a process in which you not only learn about the foster program, you learn about yourself. It’s rewarding beyond my capacity to describe. As much as I’d like to believe that I made a difference to each of these children, what really happens, behind the curtain so to speak, is the difference they made in me.

What parenting tips do you have?