Love Yourself and Let Go Of The Past
This post has been percolating for years. I don’t face my past in a straightforward way. I skim, I use it as a peripheral example, I don’t really want people to know. A large part of my past is about roots and connections. We moved a lot as a kid and I never really felt like I put roots anywhere. I am extremely dispassionate about places I’ve lived growing up. I am ambivalent about people — I have tremendous conflict about really letting people in. I want to, but I’m afraid to. I was taught growing up that people have an outstanding propensity to cause an inordinate amount of pain — physically and emotionally. What got me through growing up and probably saved me — my innate ability to disconnect from everything — is also what I struggle with.
I read a post from Be More With Less about sharing her MS diagnosis. She quotes: “In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says, “We either own our stories (even the messy ones), or we stand outside of them-denying our vulnerabilities and imperfections, orphaning the parts of us that don’t fit in with who/what we think we’re supposed to be, and hustling for other people’s approval of our worthiness.” Let’s use our stories (even the messy ones) to help each other. Think about the defining moments (big and small) in your life, and share them. The stories you share will inspire others, give them hope, and help people connect with you in ways you can’t imagine.”
This blog started as a voice about my life as an athlete, a stay-at-home Mom turned corporate working Mom of a huge family, finding balance, dealing with struggles. I started writing in the hopes that something I had to say would make a difference in someone else’s life. I truly believe that we have an enormous impact in passing — in the sharing of our daily lives. If our joy, trials, and tribulations resonate with another human being, then maybe we can rectify some of our own pain — it will make it worthwhile to have gone through. I have lied about my reasons not to share. I say it’s so I don’t hurt my mother since she’s still alive. I guess it’s not a lie — I don’t want to hurt her — but I’m protecting myself more than I’m protecting her. I’ve grown to believe that lie. It’s become quite a shield of righteousness in my life and it’s hard to let it go. From the young child, the confused adolescent, the young adult to now, I have gotten better at connecting with people. I guard myself closely, I don’t let people in easily but those that I truly love, I love with everything I am. I’m outgoing and happy and people often think they know me better than they really do. I am warm and genuine, but I’ve always only allowed people to see what I’m comfortable with them seeing. I feel regret in failed relationships but I know my piece of that is my distance and in the person I chose. It’s easy to be hurt less if you don’t allow yourself to feel vulnerable. I knew I couldn’t have a healthy relationship without completely letting my walls down so I did. And it’s scary as hell pretty often. It’s also the best thing I’ve ever done.
I grew up in New England. In Warwick, Rhode Island until the summer before high school when I was 13 and we moved to Vermont. My parents divorced when I was six and after that, it seemed like we moved a lot. I went to 3 schools in two states in 6th grade. It wasn’t just moving, it was unrest within the home too. There were some lovely aspects to my life: One, my little sister Kim who is almost 3 years my junior. She is a big reason I know how to love, know how it should feel. She gave me a reason to live when things were really tough. Who would be there for her if anything happened to me? She has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.
Two, my 3rd-grade teacher Miss StJean. She was a driving force in the person I am today. The reason I always knew I was worth it — because I was worth it to her. I had the privilege of returning to Rhode Island 15 years ago to tell her my story and thank her. She taught me compassion, empathy, and the ability to make a huge impact by just reaching out and being yourself.
Three, music. The only thing I miss (but the word regret is too strong) is singing. Every day I miss it. Music is how emotions can be heard and I loved it all.
Social services came to our house and while she was driving away, I wondered why we weren’t going with her. I wasn’t in foster care but should have been. I wanted to become a social worker when I went to college because I was one of “those kids” and I didn’t perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I wanted to help kids the way I felt I had been helped. Whatever you think foster kids go through, I went through. Emotional abuse, neglect, fear, physical abuse, molestation, lack of food, losing my virginity to rape, fending off men that came through our home, being surrounded by addiction and depression.
My father moved away, so thankfully I didn’t see him often which was a blessing. He was an angry alcoholic who was very physically and emotionally abusive. He chain-smoked and drank until he died of a heart attack at his dining room table almost 13 years ago. The only tears I cried were for the realization that he would never really know my sister and me, never have a moment where he was proud of us. We would never mend the chasm. Otherwise, I felt relief that he could never hurt anyone again. Because he died, I have no hesitation in sharing that part of my story — not because he is no longer here to defend himself, but because I no longer have to be afraid. It hurts to grow up feeling alone, unwanted, not a priority, not worth it, afraid. To wonder when the next fist will fly, how to avoid perpetrators, if anyone will be interested in cooking dinner, to never have someone ask how you are if you had a good day. To live a life where spending time out on the street was a safer place than your home.
Fortunately, I learned early on to love myself. And let go of the past.
Originally published at https://www.momof18.com.
Jenn is Mom of 18, Transformational Coach for Christian women, host of At A Crossroads with The Naked Podcaster, Author, Runner, Minimalist, & Healthy Lifestyle Advocate
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