How To Screw Up Your Kids Without Even Trying
I am a parent. To a lot of kids. I’m really trying not to screw these kids up! It’s crazy, insane, what were you thinking, are you an idiot amount of kids. 18 to be precise. Biological, step, adopted. You name it, I’ve got them. It’s the most dysfunctional, motley group of people who seemingly came from everywhere and formed a lopsided, lumpy group and called ourselves a family. Some people collect thimbles, I collected my family.
It’s not like there was an architectural blueprint when I started this journey at 20 years old. “Hey, how about infertility, 7 pregnancies, a couple divorces, the death of a spouse, 12 years of foster care, 5 adoptions, yours mine and ours and voila!” I would have had myself committed if I had ever hazarded to remotely anticipate how my life has unfolded. I love my life and my family — don’t get me wrong. It’s just that sometimes I don’t have all the answers. Sometimes I’m living on a wish and a prayer. Sometimes I want to quit life and being an adult. Sometimes I feel like I’m miserably screwing my children up — the harder I try, the worse it gets. Sometimes I wonder if I had followed my own selfish dreams to sing, write, photograph and travel I would have been better off. But I didn’t. I decided to become a Mommy and try hard not to screw my kids up.
I’m thankful we can’t get glimpses into the future or I probably would have run like hell right into a different, but equally crazy life, just in an entirely skewed tangent every single time. The fact is, this is my messed up life and my kids I get to screw up. None of it with that intention, but this whole being human and fallible thing translates into making a myriad of messes. The same comments get made to me regularly. “you’re so sane!”, “I don’t know how you don’t drink every day”, “you’re so together”, “will you write about how you find balance?”, “you’re always smiling, how can you have so many kids?”. No one asks IF I’m sane or drink every day (no, I almost never drink actually). I’m not always so together and why would I write about having balance when I feel like crying and pulling my hair out? I’m smiling because no matter what, I truly love my life and my kids and life is too short not to find humor in all of it. One way or another, this is the life I chose and I feel truly blessed in spite of my failings. I write about balance because it’s something we orbit around constantly and it helps me find my own. Don’t confuse a lame attempt at finding my bearings with expertise. You will be disappointed.
People see what they want, or they see qualities in you they think they lack. “I have two kids and I’m going crazy!! I don’t know how you do it!”. Easy. I do the same thing with more kids and I’m going crazy also. I don’t always have the answers, I need to vent, I wonder if my choices are the best ones and what you think my life is like, probably isn’t really what my life is like. I’m human, I err, I’m impatient, I yell too much, I take a sleeping pill occasionally to force myself to shut down, I’m stressed, I have high expectations, I doubt myself, I want to run away, I would like to be selfish. If there were a quota of screw ups per day, I’d exceed it. Not because I’m a big jerk — because I am human.
Each of my kids is unique, there is no one size fits all (in anything actually), they did not come with a manual to change attitude pressure or fill with the right octane of love, hugs and discipline. Not every situation is a teaching moment because I am not a qualified professor, nor is there any one way to approach the organized chaos that is my family. I am screwing them up because I am so imperfect and they are muddling through becoming their own people. Growing up and figuring out who you are is a tough work in progress and kids don’t have a clue how to do it. My job is to assist in the navigation of them growing up, while doing the least amount of damage. Somewhere in there I hope they know I love them more than I ever imagined, I want their lives to be happy, they are the best decision I ever made and I’m sorry I screwed it up.
I wished I was enough, I hoped I made a difference, I love you more than I have words to express, I questioned every decision, I regretted a lot of them too, I want you to be happy and love your life, I wish for you strength, but I hate that you struggle to gain it. And so much more……
Originally published at https://www.momof18.com.
Jenn is Mom of 18, Transformational Coach for Christian women, host of At A Crossroads with The Naked Podcaster, Author, Runner, Minimalist, & Healthy Lifestyle Advocate
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